Category: Muamalah

Praise be to Allah.Firstly: 
It is not possible for anyone, no matter who he is, to change the creation of Allah, may He be exalted, from male to female or vice versa. Whoever Allah, may He be exalted, has created as a male can never become a female who menstruates and gives birth! 
Yes, the doctors may tamper with him to satisfy his perversion so that he will think that he has become a woman, but he will never be truly female and will live in a state of anxiety and worry, which may lead him to commit suicide. 
Secondly: 
What a person may feel in his mind and heart, that he is of a gender other than what he appears to be to us does not give him an excuse to change his gender; rather it comes under the heading of following the Shaytaan in changing the creation of Allah – outwardly but not truly – and those feelings do not make it permissible for him to undergo surgery or take medicines and hormones to change his outward appearance. Rather he must be content with the decree of Allah, may He be exalted, and treat his case on the basis of faith and obedience to Allah. It is not permissible for him to make himself appear outwardly to be of a gender other than his real gender with which Allah created him, otherwise he will be committing a major sin; if this person is really female then she will be masculinised and if he is really male then he will be effeminate. 
Please see also the answers to questions no. 21277 and 34553 
The surgery that is permissible in such cases is if a person was originally created male or female, but his genital organs are hidden. In that case it is permissible to do surgery in order to make those organs appear, and to give him or her medicine or hormones to strengthen the characteristics with which Allah originally created him or her. 
But in the case of one who was created with both female and male genitalia – this is what is called ambiguous intersex – it is not permissible to be hasty in removing one and making the other more apparent. Rather we should wait until it is known what Allah, may He be exalted, will decree for this individual, which may become apparent after some time has passed. 
For a more detailed discussion on intersex please see the answer to question no. 114670 
There follows a detailed fatwa from the scholars of the Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas, who were asked about a case similar to what is mentioned in the question. They replied: 
Firstly: Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills. Verily, He is the All-Knower and is Able to do all things” [ash-Shoora 42:49].  So the Muslim must accept and be content with whatever Allah creates and decrees. 
In your case, if you are as you mentioned, that you are certain of your masculinity and that you can play the male role efficiently, even if you have not actually engaged in any sexual activity with any person, then you must preserve your masculinity and accept that which Allah has granted to you of virtue and a favourable situation. . 
Secondly: once your masculinity is proven and established, then having surgery to turn into a female – as you think – is changing the creation of Allah, and is an expression of discontent on your part with what Allah has chosen for you, even if we assume that the surgery is going to be successful and lead to what you want of becoming female. But there is no way that it can be successful, for both males and females have their own, distinct faculties and physical makeup, the development and characteristics of which are decreed only by Allah, may He be exalted, and are not just the penis of the male or the vaginal opening of the female. Rather the man has a complete, integrated system comprising the testicles and other organs, each of which has a special function and characteristics, and produces specific secretions and so on. Likewise the woman has a uterus and other connected parts that work in harmony with it, and each part has its own function and characteristics, and produces specific secretions and so on. Among all of them there are connections and harmony over which none of His creation have any power of estimation, creation, control, management or preservation. Rather all of that is under the control of Allah, the All-Knowing, Most Wise, Most High, Almighty, Most Kind and All-Aware. 
Therefore the surgery that you want to do is a kind of tampering and striving for something in which there is no benefit. In fact it may be dangerous; if it does not lead to death, then at the very least it will lead to taking away that which Allah has given you without you attaining what you want, and you will still be affected by what you have mentioned of psychological problems that you want to get rid of by means of this surgery that is bound to fail. 
Thirdly: if your masculinity is not established, and you only think that you are a man because of what you see in your body of outward masculine appearance, in contrast to what you feel in yourself of having feminine characteristics and an inclination towards males and being sexually attracted to them, then you should examine your situation and not go ahead with the surgery that you have mentioned. You should consult experienced specialist doctors. If they determine that you are male in outward appearance but are in fact female, then you may submit yourself to their treatment, so that they can bring out your femininity by doing surgery. But that will not in fact be a sex change from male to female, because this will not be up to them; rather it will be bringing out your true nature and removing what is in your body, and what you feel deep inside you of confusion and ambiguity. But if nothing is clear to the experts, then do not take the risk of undergoing this surgery; be content with the decree of Allah and be patient with what has befallen you, seeking to please your Lord and protecting yourself against the possible consequences of doing an operation without guidance and insight concerning your condition. Turn to Allah and beseech Him to relieve you of what you are facing, and to heal you from your psychological problems, for control of all things is in His hand, may He be glorified, and He is able to do all things. End quote. 
Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz, Shaykh ‘Abd ar-Razzaaq ‘Afeefi, Shaykh ‘Abdullah ibn Qa‘ood, Shaykh ‘Abdullah ibn Ghadyaan 
Fataawa al-Lajnah ad-Daa’imah (25/45-49) 
And Allah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.Firstly:
Marital problems are very common. If the problems stem from the husband, then the wise woman must look for the reasons why her husband’s behaviour towards her has changed, and the reasons why he is causing trouble for her. She may not be listening to him and being stubborn in her dealings with him, or she may be falling short in obeying him, or she may be neglectful regarding the house and raising her children, and so on. It cannot be imagined that a couple would have a happy married life, then things turn upside down suddenly and the husband begins to hate his wife and like to stay out at night, smoking shisha and so on, unless there are reasons that push the husband to do such things, although we know that in many instances the wife has nothing to do with that – rather it is a kind of upheaval that a man goes through after having been steadfast; we ask Allah to keep us steadfast and guide us – or it could be because of bad company, until his friends lead him astray from the straight path of his Lord and distract him from taking care of his best interests in this world and the hereafter, as appears to be the case here.
If it becomes clear to the wife that she has nothing to do with the changes in her husband, then this is a test for her from Allah, so she must choose between bearing with patience what her husband is doing, whilst continuing to advise him and pray for him, or seeking divorce, if she cannot put up with his mistreatment, or if she fears for herself or her religious commitment or her children if she stays with him, or if his sin reaches the level of disbelief, Allah forbid.
Secondly:
The wife must do her utmost to advise her husband and remind him, in the way that is best. She should not speak harshly to him or frown at him; rather she should speak gently to him and treat him kindly. She should also speak to her family so that they can find a good person who is close to him and can advise him, remind him and point him in the right direction. At the same time, she should be keen to offer supplication when prostrating and at the end of the night, asking her Lord to guide him.
Shaykh Saalih al-Fawzaan (may Allah preserve him) said:
It is not permissible for the husband to mistreat his wife, because Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “Treat them [women] with kindness” [an-Nisaa’ 4:19]. And the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Your wife has rights over you.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari from the hadith of ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas. If he mistreats her, then she should respond with patience and do her duty towards him, so that she will have the reward for that, and in the hope that Allah may guide him. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend” [Fussilat 41:34].
Al-Muntaqa min Fataawa ash-Shaykh al-Fawzaan (4/177).
Although there may be some sins that he is committing, and his wife may be able to put up with that, his forsaking prayer does not come under that heading, because forsaking prayer constitutes disbelief (kufr) and apostasy, so she should not allow him to be intimate with her unless he starts to pray again.
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) was asked:
There is a woman who is married to a man who commits some sins, including major sins, such as taking drugs and the like, and she is suffering because of this man. She is a righteous and believing woman – we think she is like that, but Allah knows best. What should this woman do, given that she has tried to advise and guide him to give up this haraam deed and to turn back to Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, but to no avail? What do you think? Should she go to her family or should she continue to put up with it in the hope that Allah might guide him? He also prevents his children from praying.
Answer: This man who does haraam deeds – does he pray or not?
Questioner: He prays but is not very serious about it. Sometimes he prays at home, sometimes he prays at work, and sometimes he delays the prayer.
Answer: I think that if she has tried to advise him without success, then she has the right to seek an annulment of the marriage, but in a situation like that there may be other issues that make it not possible to ask for annulment, because she has children and annulment of the marriage may lead to further troubles. So if his sin does not reach the level of disbelief (kufr), there is no blame on her if she stays with him, for fear of further problems. But if his sin does reach the level of disbelief, such as if he does not pray at all, then she should not stay with him a minute longer.
Liqaa’aat al-Baab al-Maftooh (13/question no. 18).
Thirdly:
Husbands should fear Allah, may He be exalted, with regard to their wives, and they should realise that Allah, may He be exalted, has commanded them to treat their wives with kindness and has instructed them to keep them in an acceptable manner. He has told them that a man may dislike his wife, yet Allah has instilled much good in her. Likewise, the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) stated that if the husband dislikes one characteristic in his wife, he may be pleased with what she has of other, good characteristics.
 Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “Treat them with kindness even if you dislike them; it is quite possible that you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good” [an-Nisaa’ 4:19].
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he may be pleased with another.” Narrated by Muslim (1469).
These husbands should realise that their example is the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and he was the best husband to his wives.
Ibn Katheer (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
The words “Treat them [women] with kindness” [an-Nisaa’ 4:19] mean: speak nicely to them, treat them kindly, make yourself look good for them as much as you can, just as you would like them to do for you. So treat (your wife) as you would like to be treated. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable” [al-Baqarah 2:228]. The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” Narrated and classed as saheeh by at-Tirmidhi (3892). It was in his character (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) to be kind to people; he was always cheerful; he would joke with his wives, treat them kindly, spend generously on them and laugh with them. He even raced with ‘Aa’ishah the Mother of the Believers, as an act of kindness and affection towards her. She said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) raced with me and I beat him, but that was before I put on weight. Then when I had put on weight, I raced with him again and he beat me, and said: “This is in return for that.” Narrated by Abu Daawood (2578); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Daawood. His wives would gather every night in the house of the one with whom the Messenger of Allah (sa) (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) was going to spend that night, and sometimes he would eat supper with them, then each of them would go back to her own house. He used to sleep with his wife under one blanket, taking off his upper garment and sleeping in his lower garment. When he had prayed ‘Ishaa’, he would stay up for a while with his wives, before going to sleep, thus comforting them and putting them at ease. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent pattern (example)” [al-Ahzaab 33:21].
Tafseer Ibn Katheer (2/242)
Perhaps a large part of the remedy is trying to keep him away from the bad friends who have distracted him from his home, his family and his religion. If you can seek help with that from righteous people in his family, so that he will have no need of the bad friends who caused him to change, then that is good.
You must also seek the help of Allah, so that your husband will find compensation for those bad companions in the comfort, love and mercy that you create at home, in the hope that Allah will grant you and your husband relief and a way out from this test.
We ask Allah to guide your husband and enable him to seek His pleasure, and to bring about reconciliation between you.
See also the answers to questions no. 45600 and 9463.
And Allah is the source of strength.

Praise be to Allah.

Maintaining good relations with people is something for which you are to be
commended and is a good attitude to have. It is not permissible for your
maternal aunt, her husband or anyone else to try to spoil these good
relationships. 

However, it is essential to note that the maternal aunt is of similar
standing to the mother, and she has rights that are prescribed in Islam
under the heading of maintaining ties of kinship and kind treatment. Hence
we advise you to be patient with her and to advise her and her husband, and
to use whatever you can of permissible and Islamically prescribed means to
make her stop her evil actions by means of wisdom and beautiful exhortation.
There is nothing wrong with seeking the help of those who you hope can
influence her with sound advice. 

But if
mixing with them will lead to negative and evil consequences, then keeping a
distance from them is what one should do, but that should be done without
severing ties altogether, speaking ill of them in their absence, reviling
them and other acts that comes under the heading of bad manners that Allah
has forbidden. 

Rather
one should strive to protect oneself against evil, harm and mischief as much
as possible; in that case it is sufficient to contact her by phone in order
to check on her and ask how she and her family are, and so on. 

You
should treat them with kindness and use a subtle approach in protecting
yourself from their evil and the harm they cause to you and other people. 

If
shunning them will have an effect on them and stop them from doing evil,
then there is nothing wrong with shunning them. 

Shaykh
al-Islam said: 

If a
person openly commits a major sin, then it is justifiable to punish him by
shunning and other means, even if shunning him may serve one’s own interest,
thus serving the shar‘i interest as much as possible.

End
quote.                                                                           
 

Majmoo‘ al-Fataawa,
24/286 

But if
the harm affects only you, then try to put up with your aunt’s annoyance as
much as you can, and adopt a gentle approach towards her, whilst protecting
your religious commitment from her and her husband. 

It was
narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that a man said:
O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but
they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind
towards them, but they insult me. He said: “If you are as you say, then it
is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. Allah will continue to
support you as long as you continue to do that.”

Narrated by Muslim, 2558. 

Shaykh
Ibn ‘Uthaymeen was asked: 

My
paternal uncles hurt me by gossiping about me to other people; what should I
do with them? Should I cut off ties with them? 

He
(may Allah have mercy on him) replied: Do not cut off ties with them. The
more one upholds ties even though the other party cuts him off, the better
it is. Do what is required of you in terms of upholding ties with them, and
leave the matter of their cutting you off to Allah, may He be glorified and
exalted. You will be rewarded if they annoy you and gossip about you to
other people, because that will only increase you in reward, and on the Day
of Resurrection you will take from their good deeds (hasanaat), if you did
not pardon them.

End
quote from Fataawa Noor ‘ala ad-Darb, 12/468 

It
should be noted that severing ties of kinship is a major sin and it is a
very serious matter in the sight of Allah. Allah, may He be glorified and
exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Would you then, if you were given
the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship?”

[Muhammad 47:22]. 

Muslim
(2556) narrated from Jubayr ibn Mut‘im (may Allah be pleased with him) that
the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “No
one who severs ties of kinship will enter Paradise.” 

In
conclusion, 

You
should uphold ties of kinship as much as you can, whilst protecting
yourselves against their harm and annoyance. Do not give them any
opportunity to interfere in your lives and spoil relations between you and
other people; rather you should tell them not to do that; either they will
refrain or leave you alone. 

May
Allah make things easy for you and protect you from the evil of what you
fear. 

And
Allah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.Firstly:
By the grace of Allah, may He be exalted, towards you, He has enabled you at this age to worship Him and obey Him. By His grace towards you, He has blessed you with the ability to rebuke yourself when you fall short in obeying Him, and when you do something that it is not appropriate for you to do. These blessings from the Lord, may He be exalted, require you to give thanks in your heart, in your words and in your deeds, especially when you see young people around you of a similar age who go with the flow of lust and are drowning in a sea of misguidance and deviation.
Secondly:
You must understand that wet dreams happen to both women and men, single people and married people. They may happen to one who recites adhkaar before sleeping and to one who does not do that. There is no sin on a person for what he sees in his dreams, because he does not have any control over it or any ability to ward it off. The Muslim is not accountable for such things, just as he will not be rewarded for what he does in his dreams of acts of obedience and worship. There is a saheeh hadith from the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) which states that the Pen of accountability is lifted from “the sleeper until he wakes up.”
So you should not feel anxious about what you see in your dreams. What you should worry about and be concerned about is what you do when you are awake, and this is what you suggested as a remedy for the problem of having wet dreams about your sister. Both of your suggestions are haraam and it is not permissible for you to do them. It is not permissible to look at pictures of actresses, singers and other attractive girls. For information on the prohibition on doing that, please see the answer to question no. 1774. Similarly, it is not permissible to engage in the secret habit (masturbation). For information on the prohibition on doing that, please see the answer to question no. 329. In addition to both actions being haraam, they will never avail you anything, and they will never prevent you from having wet dreams. We mentioned above that wet dreams happen even to married people and those who fulfil their desires in permissible ways.
You should understand that looking at your sister with desire is emphatically forbidden. In addition to being forbidden, it also has a strong connection to what you see in your dreams. It is well-known that some of what is seen in dreams is the outcome of the thoughts that the person thinks when he is awake. This means that looking at your sister – or any other woman – in haraam ways and thinking about sex before going to sleep may lead to seeing that in your dream. Hence the advice of the scholars to one who is faced with this problem is to purify himself [do wudoo’] before sleeping, recite Aayat al-Kursiy, and stop thinking about sex and desire. If, after that, he sees something in his dream that he dislikes, he should not blame himself if no heedlessness occurred whilst he was awake. So pay attention to this, and bear it in mind.
Among the things stated by those who specialise in dream interpretation is that wet dreams like those that you see come from the Shaytaan, in order to make it easier for you to commit shameful deeds whilst awake. This is a serious matter to which you should pay attention, for the Shaytaan may also toy with the other party, and show her something similar to what you see in your dreams, for the same purpose. This is completely in accordance with those who say that the Shaytaan has something to do with wet dreams, and there is a great difference between the one who sees himself in his dream committing shameful deeds with his sister,  although he is chaste and decent in his dealings with her when he is awake, and the one who sees such dreams, and looks at her with desire when he is awake. The former is the one who is fearful and anxious about his dreams, and he is unlikely to do such a thing in reality, in contrast to the one who is tempted when he is awake, so the Shaytaan does not leave him alone when he is asleep, just as he did not leave him alone when he was awake.
Thirdly:
Some specialist doctors have stated that a person may do something when he is awake that will cause him to have a wet dream when he goes to sleep, although it should be noted that there is a difference of opinion among scholars concerning the cause of this phenomenon. That includes looking at women in unlawful ways, thinking about sex and desire, not urinating before going to sleep, and filling the stomach with food. We hope that you will avoid all of these things, and go to sleep in a state of purity and after reciting dhikr, so that you can rid yourself of these dreams which are causing you anxiety.
Fourthly:
The ultimate solution to your problem is to get married. If you are not able to do that, then you should fast, because fasting purifies the soul and leads to taqwa (mindfulness of Allah), which will help to prevent you from doing haraam things. Both of these are the recommendation of your Prophet Muhammad (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) to young people like you.
It was narrated that ‘Abdullah ibn Mas‘ood said: We were with the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and we could not afford to get married. The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said to us: “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding one’s chastity. And whoever cannot afford it should fast, for it will be a shield for him.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4779) and Muslim (1400).
See the answer to question no. 9208, where we explained that wet dreams are something natural for which a person is not to be blamed. You can also refer to question no. 20229, which discusses means that will help you to lower your gaze; and question no. 20161, which discusses the solution to the problem of desire and how to control it. In the answer to question no. 39768, we discussed the health implications of the secret habit for the body, mind, face and memory, and we discuss ways of giving up this habit and avoiding falling into it.
Fifthly:
If you are suffering from this problem, and the Shaytaan is filling your mind with such thoughts about your sister, then you should take precautions to protect yourself. So you should avoid looking at her or being alone with her, for she is your sister. Tell her not to be careless in the way she dresses in front of you, for mahrams are not all the same when it comes to the ruling on showing adornment in front of them. A woman may show all of her adornment to her husband, but when it comes to other mahrams, such as her father, brother and the like, she should not show in front of them anything but that which ordinarily appears of her, such as the forearm, neck and so on. This is a basic ruling, regardless of problems that may arise, such as your problem.
But when a problem does arise, such as the problem that you are talking about, then precautions should be more stringent and covering should be more complete. But you should not draw her attention to anything that is crossing your mind. Rather you should try to guide her to do that through your parents, if possible, without giving any indication of what is going on in your mind or of what you see in your dreams.
The great scholar Ibn al-Qattaan (may Allah have mercy on him) said in an-Nazr fi Ahkaam an-Nazr (312):
Question: He may only see of her – meaning his mahram – her face, hands and feet, whether she is young or old. That is permissible, with no difference of scholarly opinion, because it is something that ordinarily appears (when at home), unless he looks at those parts of his mahram with desire. There is no doubt that this is haraam, and I think that there is no difference of scholarly opinion concerning that. Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr stated that it is prohibited, and he did not narrate any different view concerning it.
End quote.
Abu Bakr al-Hasani ash-Shaafa‘i (may Allah have mercy on him) said in Kifaayat al-Akhyaar (1/460:
It is haraam to look at mahrams with desire, and there is no scholarly difference of opinion concerning that. End quote.
And Allah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.Islam does not forbid the Muslim to let his thoughts wander and imagine permissible things, because this is human nature. Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, has created in them a wonderful world of imagination, images and talk that may cross their minds, and a person may not be able to ward them off completely, but he does have the power to control them and guard against those that are harmful.
It is well-known that some of these thoughts that a person may find himself immersed in may turn to some kind of illusion, and lead to mental exhaustion and an inability to focus. Oftentimes that results in a real-life situation filled with frustration and despair, or leads to bad conduct as a result of repeated thoughts, and the individual would not have found himself in that situation if he had restrained his thoughts and prevented them from wandering into that wilderness.
We think that the thoughts that could lead to success are realistic thoughts, in which one plans for a better future, within the framework of what is possible, not what is impossible, and strives to work out practical steps that may lead to success in one’s family life, academic life and social life, through beneficial reading, righteous deeds, and good conduct. If there is no opportunity to achieve such goals, then patience and contentment are two guiding principles that should always be in the mind of the believer.
This is the difference between harmful, bad thoughts and beneficial, realistic thoughts. Young men and women in particular should pay attention to this, and beware of following in the footsteps of the Shaytaan who, by means of thoughts and imagination, opens the door to evil and sin. Sin begins with a thought and ends with regret. If what is meant by imagining emotional life is imagining having intercourse with a particular young man in the hope that he will be one’s husband in the future, this comes under the heading of corrupt thoughts and imagination which bring no benefit and result in nothing but pain, regret and thinking of sin. This has been discussed in detail previously on our website, in the answer to question no. 84066.
Abu Haamid al-Ghazaali (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
It should be understood that the likeness of the heart is that of a target that is struck by arrows from all sides.
Or it is like a mirror in front of which different things pass constantly, and image after image is reflected in it; there is always something reflected in it.
Or it is like a cistern into which water flows from various channels that lead to it.
These constantly-renewed impacts on the heart either come from the outside, through the five senses, or they come from within, through imagination, desire, anger, and attitudes that are instilled in man’s nature. … As one’s thoughts move from one thing to another, the condition of the heart moves from one state to another.
The point is that the heart is always changing and is constantly affected by these causes. The greatest impact on the heart comes from thoughts. Moreover, thoughts lead to desires, and desires lead to resolve, and resolve leads to intention (niyyah), and intention leads to physical action.
Thoughts that lead to desires may be divided into those that motivate one to do evil, and those that motivate one to do good. These are two different types of thoughts. The good thoughts are called inspiration, and the bad thoughts are called waswaas (whispers from the Shaytaan).
End quote from Ihyaa’ ‘Uloom as-Deen (3/26).
And Allah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.Firstly:
Families are not without problems, some of which are easy to resolve and some of which are difficult. One who wants to solve his own problems or the problems of someone else must understand the causes that led to those differences and conflict and resentment, whether it is between spouses, between friends, or between father and son, or any parties to a conflict.
We do not know the cause of the differences between you and your wife, so we can only offer general advice that may be suitable for you and for others.
You should look for the cause of those differences between you and your wife. You may be the main cause, or a large part of the cause, because of something in your nature that you cannot change, or because of poor treatment on your part of your wife, or because you pay little attention to her and your children, or for any other out of many possible reasons. So you must correct your mistakes, and put an end to those differences by putting an end to their causes, if the problem is on your side. You cannot be unaware that kind treatment of your wife, showing her compassion, praising her for what she does, and taking good care of the children, whilst striving to bring what the household needs, will all make a wife pleased with her husband, which will create love between the spouses and spread compassion in the household.
But if the causes of the problems and differences between you stem from the wife, then you must also deal with this matter with wisdom and kindly exhortation. The easiest thing for the husband – in principle and in most cases – is to win his wife over and make her love what she hates, and hate what she loves, because when a wife is pleased with a man as her husband, she will be content to live according to his wishes and interests, and she does not necessarily have to love that and be pleased with it. This is the nature of wives in general; hence a woman follows her husband. Therefore it is prohibited for a Muslim woman to marry a disbeliever. This is also the reason why it is advised to make a good choice of husband, and to choose one who is of good character and religiously committed, lest the woman be negatively affected by his lack of religious commitment and character.
Secondly:
It may be that a husband is not compatible with his wife, so he will not be able to improve the way he deals with her, and she will not be able to fulfil the permissible desires of her husband. In that case it is better for them to separate, because their staying together will be a waste of time and will cause a great deal of problems and distress.
Based on what is mentioned in the question, we say: if the husband does not think that his wife is not willing to change her attitude towards him, and he is not the cause of these problems, then he has no choice but to divorce her, taking the last option for remedying the situation. It is not required that the wife should accept this as a solution, because her approval is not a factor in the case of divorce. We are only saying that the solution for these problems is divorce for several reasons, based on your question:

It is not possible that your wife will change her attitude and manners, because the problems between you have been going on for a long time.
You are not able to take another wife, because of your environment.
The fear that you may fall into haraam because she does not fulfil your sexual desires.

So give her one last chance, and set a deadline for her to change her attitude. then if there is no change on her part, do not hesitate to issue a divorce, and beware of falling into haraam, for according to the laws of Allah you are muhsan (married or previously-married), and the hadd punishment is stoning if you fall into haraam – Allah forbid. There are many warnings in Islam for the one who transgresses the sacred rights of others and the one who commits the shameful deeds that Allah has forbidden, so be very, very careful.
And Allah is the source of strength.

Praise be to Allah.The problem cannot be solved through advice and preaching; rather what you are suffering from is a behavioural problem, which requires a practical solution and remedy, and mere words of exhortation and verbal advice will not be sufficient.
The first thing you should do to overcome this shortcoming is clearly to persist until you complete the deed. Probably the first successful experience will motivate you to keep going until you complete all your deeds and do them perfectly. What will help you to achieve that is two things:
1. Dividing the deed into small steps, so that you will feel more motivated to complete each stage on its own, and keep going until you reach the last stage and complete it. That is because human nature finds large, lengthy tasks burdensome. So there is no alternative but to break the task down into stages until you achieve it.
2. Choosing short and quick tasks and beginning with them, so that you will be able to complete them. The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “O people, you should only do deeds that you are able for, for Allah does not grow weary but you do. The most beloved of deeds to Allah is that which is done persistently, even if it is little.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5861) and Muslim (782). And he (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “The most beloved of actions to Allah are those which are done persistently, even if they are little.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5861) and Muslim (783). 
Imam an-Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: In other words, that which you will be able to do regularly without it causing you any harm. This indicates that it is encouraged to be moderate in doing acts of worship and to avoid taking on too much. The hadith is not speaking only of prayer; rather it is general in meaning and applies to all righteous deeds. End quote.
Sharh an-Nawawi ‘ala Muslim (6/70-71).
We advise you to read some books and psychological studies, which you can benefit from regarding this matter. Such books include: al-Futoor, Asbaabuhu wa ‘Ilaajuhu by Shaykh Dr. Naasir al-‘Umar, and ‘Ajz ath-Thiqaat by Shaykh Dr. Muhammad Moosa ash-Shareef.
And Allah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.
Firstly:

Forming
friendships, in the light of what you have mentioned of your love for people
and your kindness and politeness towards them, should be easy, in sha Allah.

That is because
the basic foundation for success in social relationships is love for people,
and being kind and polite towards them.

After that, all
you have to do is take some effective practical steps to establish and build
friendships and strengthen bonds, such as trying to take part in some
collective activities, the most important of which is praying in
congregation in the mosque in your university, if possible, or joining some
women’s activities in your college.

You can also try
to join various student clubs – that are for females only – which will give
you the opportunity to get to know people and make friends with other female
students in your class.

You can also
establish contact with other female students with whom you share common
interests, such as sharing a love of reading, exchanging useful books with
one another and encouraging one another to do good deeds, such as reading
Qur’an, praying regularly, attending study circles, helping the needy among
your fellow students and neighbours, and other activities that are of
benefit in both religious and worldly terms.

Another
beneficial means of establishing friendships is helping students who have
difficulties in understanding some subjects and topics, by providing them
with notes and trying to explain the material to them and make it easy for
them.

Secondly:

With regard to
your infatuation with that young man, what appears to be the case is that
this is the result of some hidden emotions that have manifested themselves
in a wrong way, because of your ongoing anxiety at not being able to form
friendships, and your feeling that the students are ignoring you.

Whatever the
case, what you must do in this situation, according to Islamic teachings, is
to release this energy and these emotions in a manner that is pleasing to
Allah and that will benefit you in this world and in the hereafter, such as
expressing it in the form of love for Allah, may He be exalted, and striving
to obey Him, and love for the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of
Allah be upon him) and following his Sunnah, forming friendships and sound
relationships with others, doing charitable or humanitarian deeds, honouring
your parents, upholding ties of kinship, and showing kindness to neighbours.

There is nothing
wrong with devoting some of your energy to keeping pets or growing plants,
or other appropriate, permissible deeds, in order to provide an outlet for
hidden emotions.

You must also
close every door that could enable you to follow this young man and become
more attached to him, because of what could result from that of sin, first
of all, and also psychological and spiritual exhaustion.

Moreover, this
young man does not know you or love you or care about you, and following him
will lead to nothing except a vicious circle of emotional and psychological
pain, in addition to what you will accumulate of sin as a result of loving
one whom Allah has commanded you to hate, let alone the corruption that this
may cause to your heart, soul and spirit as a result of getting used to
following this evil person and listening to his foul language and shameless
words and deeds.

May Allah help
us and you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him, may He be
glorified.

Praise be to Allah.
We ask Allah, may He be exalted, to
increase your reward and grant you the best reward for your efforts in
caring for your children and giving them an Islamic upbringing. From your
letter, we sense that you have done what Allah, may He be exalted, enjoined
upon you with regard to the trust with which He entrusted you.

The fact that your son has drifted away
from obedience to his Lord, may He be exalted, and has chosen for himself
the path of deviation, misguidance and atheism, should not make you feel
anxious or guilty, or feel that the way in which you brought up your
children was the cause of that, as was suggested by this deviant son. Rather
you have done well and are in a good state, if Allah wills, and others who
did not make the effort you made are the ones who have fallen short with
regard to themselves and with regard to their children. So do not pay any
attention to the whispers of the Shaytaan and do not let what your son said
bar you from continuing in your efforts to give your children a good Islamic
upbringing and to remain committed and adhering to Islamic teachings.

You should realise that it is not your
fault that your son got into this situation and you will not carry the
burden of his sins, for you did not spare any effort in teaching him and
guiding him to the path of Islam. One who is like you (and spared no effort)
cannot be held responsible if some members of his family drift away from the
right path (and will not incur any sin). Rather the one who will incur sin
is the one who fell short or was negligent in taking care of his children.

We see what happened to the son and wife
of Nooh (peace be upon him), and how they were doomed along with those who
were doomed, despite the fact that Nooh (peace be upon him) never spared any
effort in calling them and trying to guide them. But they did not respond to
him, so Allah punished them and they were among those who drowned. Something
similar may be said concerning the wife of Loot (peace be upon him) and the
father of Ibraaheem (peace be upon him), and Abu Taalib, the uncle of the
Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him). Each of these Prophets
and Messengers did what Allah, may He be exalted, had enjoined him to do and
fulfilled the trust in the most perfect manner. They did not fall short with
regard to their families, but hearts are in the hand of Allah, may He be
exalted; He guides whom He wills and He leaves astray whom He wills, and He
leaves no one astray astray except the evildoers. Allah, may He be exalted,
says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Not upon
you (Muhammad (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)) is their guidance,
but Allah guides whom He wills”

[al-Baqarah 2:272]

“Verily!
You (O Muhammad (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)) guide not whom
you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He knows best those who are
the guided”

[al-Qasas 28:56].

Shaykh ‘Abd ar-Rahmaan as-Sa‘di (may Allah
have mercy on him) said:

Here Allah, may He be exalted, is saying:
Verily you, O Muhammad – and others more so – cannot guide anyone, even
those who are the dearest of people to you. No one has the ability to guide
anyone, that is, to make them accept guidance or to create faith in their
hearts. Rather that is in the hand of Allah alone, may He be glorified and
exalted: He guides whomever He wills, and He knows best who is deserving of
guidance, so He guides him, and who is not deserving of that, so he leaves
him to go astray.

As for the attribution of guidance to the
Messenger in the verse in which Allah, may He be exalted, says
(interpretation of the meaning),
“And verily, you (O Muhammad
(blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)) are indeed guiding (mankind) to
the Straight Path (i.e. Allah’s religion of Islamic Monotheism)”
[ash-Shoora 42:52], that
is guidance in the sense of explaining and teaching. The Messenger shows the
straight path and encourages people to follow it, doing his utmost to see
people follow the path. But as for creating faith in people’s hearts and
enabling them to act upon it, he has no ability to do that at all.

Tafseer as-Sa‘di
(620).

See also the answer to question no.
12053.

Based on that, you have no option but to
pray that he be guided. So turn to your Lord, may He be exalted, and offer a
great deal of supplication (du‘aa’) to Him before dawn and when prostrating,
in the hope that Allah, may He be exalted, may answer your prayers.

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said:
The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said:
“There are three prayers that will undoubtedly be answered: the prayer of
one who has been wronged; the prayer of the traveller; and the prayer of a
father concerning his child.”

Narrated by at-Tirmidhi (1905), Abu Dawood
(1563), and Ibn Maajah (3862); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh
at-Tirmidhi.

Al-Azeemabaadi (may Allah have mercy on
him) said:

“the prayer of a father” – i.e., for or
against his child. The mother is not mentioned because her right is greater,
so her prayer is more likely to be answered.

‘Awn al-Ma‘bood,
4/276.

An-Minnaawi (may Allah have mercy on him)
said:

“the prayer of a father for his child” –
because he sincerely loves him and gives him precedence over himself.
Because he is so sincere towards his child, his supplication is more likely
to be answered. The mother is not mentioned, despite the fact that she has
more right and is closer to her son, which means that her supplication is
more likely to be answered than that of the father, because that is
self-evident.

Fayd al-Qadeer,
3/301.

Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen
(may Allah have mercy on him) said:

“the prayer of a father” – in some
versions of the hadith it says “against his child” and in some version it is
not mentioned; in other words, the father’s prayer may be for or against his
child. This is the more correct version; the father’s prayer for or against
his child will be answered. As for his praying for him, he prays for him out
of compassion and mercy, and whoever shows mercy to people, Allah, may He be
glorified and exalted, will show mercy to him. As for praying against him,
he cannot pray against his son unless the son deserves that, and if he prays
against him when he deserves it, then Allah will answer his prayer.

These are the three answered prayers: the
prayer of one who has been wronged; the prayer of the traveller, and the
prayer of the parent, whether that is the mother or the father.

Sharh Riyadh as-Saaliheen
(3/157), Dar Ibn Haytham edition.

We have explained the conditions of
supplication so that it might be acceptable to Allah and be answered, in the
answer to question no. 13506.

We have explained the places and times
when supplications are answered in the answer to question no.
22438.

With regard to your not helping him to get
married, and not going with him to anyone, this is what you should do, even
if he stays like that (i.e., single) until the end of his life. That is
because people, as you say, will be deceived by what they know of your
religious commitment, and will think that your son is like you – or at
least, if he is different or has drifted away, no one would ever imagine
that he has sunk to that level (i.e., atheism). You should carry on advising
him and seek the help of someone who is specialised in such matters who
could sit with him, debate with him and answer his doubts. This may be more
effective and beneficial than debating on websites.

We ask Allah to guide us and you to the
straight path, and to set straight for us the affairs of our spouses and
children.

And Allah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.
Undoubtedly a great deal of criticism and arguing in front of
the children is something negative that undermines harmony and love.
Our advice to you and your husband is to reduce that as
much as possible, and to show restraint; each of you should force himself to
be patient with the other and to delay issues of arguments and discussion
until you are by yourselves.

Our advice to the husband is not to think that any human
being could be free of faults or shortcomings, because that is part of human
nature, so how about the woman, whose basic nature the Prophet (blessings
and peace of Allah be upon him) has told us about, and said that there is no
hope of changing her nature completely.

It was narrated from Samurah ibn Jundub that the Messenger of
Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said:

“Woman was created from a rib; if you try to straighten her
you will break her. So be kind to her and you will live with ease with her.”

Narrated by Ahmad (20093) and Ibn Hibbaan (4178); classed as
saheeh by al-Albaani.

Moreover, our advice to you is not to respond to criticism
with more arguments and stubbornness, because this will put more strain on
the connection between you, which is about to break because of that. Being
more easy-going and diplomatic is something that is required from both
parties. It is required from the husband, in the form of kindness,
overlooking mistakes and showing compassion, and it is required from the
religiously committed, smart and wise wife to put up with the annoyance
of her husband, and not to be so harsh with him if he is harsh with her;
rather she should be easy-going, as much as she can, avoid provoking his
anger and not be confrontational. She should be as gentle as she can, and be
soft with him.

It was narrated that ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Abbaas said: The
Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Shall I
not tell you about your wives among the people of Paradise: the one who is
loving, fertile, and beneficial to her husband, who if she is upset or
annoyed, she comes and takes her husband’s hand, then she says: ‘By Allah, I
shall not sleep until you are pleased with me.”

Narrated by an-Nasaa’i in as-Sunan al-Kubra (9094);
classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in as-Saheehah (287)

What is well-established in psychology, and what is known
from experience, is that stubbornness and arguing with a husband who is not
patient with lengthy discussions and arguments will only result in bad
consequences for the marriage and will increase resentment between the
spouses.

Our advice to our sister is to discuss less and go along with
him, and to show a great deal of admiration for his thoughts and opinions in
general, even if you differ concerning some of the details. With this
attitude you can reduce arguments, dispel resentment and make him more open
to listening to your discussion and point of view. It would be a good idea
for you to go to a psychologist who specialises in couples counselling,
because that can help to uncover the subtle causes of the problem between
you and deal with the matter in an effective manner.

You should realise that it is not a must for the husband to
consult his wife; rather he may consult someone whose opinion and experience
he trusts among his family and friends, or experts other than people whom he
knows.

The most that can be said regarding the issue of a man
consulting his wife is that it is something that is encouraged and is good,
and it comes under the heading of kind treatment and noble character.
Moreover, people vary in their nature, attitude, way of thinking and
behaviour. So be wise, and do not take risks with regard to your family life
and marriage. Forgive him some of his harshness and put up with some of his
obstinacy, so long as it does not involve sin and no obvious harm will
result to you or your family. Put up with what you dislike, for in patiently
bearing what one dislikes there is a great deal of good, as the most
truthful one (the Prophet – blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said.

·

With regard to
the mother’s instinct, from a linguistic point of view the Arabic word for
instinct means nature. In terms of psychology, it refers to human behaviour
that is based on nature and heredity. Every person has instincts and
inclinations that differ according to his inherent nature and hereditary
factors. Based on that, the mother’s instinct is no more than maternal
behaviour that is based on her nature and genetic makeup. One of the most
well-known manifestations of these natural instincts is the mother’s
instinct to protect her child and ward off anything that may harm him.

But this instinct may become contaminated and malfunction
because of unsound social influences and customs because of which the mother
sees what is beneficial as harmful, so that facts are turned upside down in
her mind and she becomes confused.

Therefore the mother should not be regarded as reliable
unless it is proven that she is mature and well balanced, and that she is
not influenced by unsound standards that are alien to sound human nature.

The same may be said concerning the father’s instinct and
what may result from it.

·

Finally:

Your husband should be kind to your mother and treat her
well, even if she has a different point of view than him. That is because
she is like his own mother, and responding in a better way to bad treatment
has a magical effect on people. Allah, may He be exalted, says
(interpretation of the meaning):

“Repel (the evil deed) with one
which is better (i.e. Allah ordered the faithful believers to be patient at
the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily!
he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a
close friend”

[Fussilat 41:35].

In addition to that, you should pay attention to the fact
that your husband does not like you to consult your mother, because your
insistance on consulting her and seeking her opinion, despite what you
say about the relationship between them not being good, makes matters
worse. A man does not like even someone who agrees with him to interfere in
his decisions and leadership, so what you think about one who differs with
him?!

So do not do what he resents and do not refrain from doing
what he likes. We give you the glad tidings that the Messenger of Allah
(blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) gave: “If a woman offers her five
daily prayers, fasts her month (of Ramadan), guards her chastity and obeys
her husband, she will enter through whichever of the gates of Paradise she
wants.”

Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan (4163); classed as hasan by al-Albaani

And Allah knows best.