Tag: Muamalah

Praise be to Allah.
Firstly: 

You should praise Allaah for having guided you and brought
you back to Him. You have to observe the fasts that Allaah has enjoined upon
you, even if your father dislikes that, because there is no obedience to any
created being if it involves disobedience towards the Creator. 

Secondly: 

You say that you feel ill and that you suffer from anaemia
and allergies. In that case you have to refer to a trustworthy doctor and
ask him whether fasting is harmful for you or not, and whether there is any
hope of a recovery from this disease or not. If fasting will harm you
because of this sickness, or will make the sickness worse, or delay
recovery, or make it very hard for you to fast, then Allaah has made things
easy for you and has allowed you not to fast. So you should not fast, and
you should make up the days that you do not fast after you recover, in sha
Allaah. 

But if this sickness is ongoing and there is no hope of
making up the fasts, then do not fast, and you have to feed one poor person
for each day that you do not fast. See question no.
12488. 

Thirdly: 

The father has to look after his family properly, and tell
them to do what is enjoined upon them and not to do that which is forbidden.
If he falls short in that then he is exposed to divine wrath and punishment.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 
“O you who believe! Ward
off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and
stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey
not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allaah, but do that
which they are commanded”

[al-Tahraam 66:6]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: “There is no person whom Allaah appoints in charge of others and he
dies having betrayed his charges, but Allaah will forbid Paradise to him.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6731; Muslim, 142. 

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said: “Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock… The
man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock…”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 844; Muslim, 3408. Each person who was in a
position of authority and responsibility – including fathers – will be
questioned as to whether he did what was required of him, or not? 

It is well known that blessings and reward will result from
this questioning, if he did what was required of him, and that he will
deserve to be punished if he was careless and negligent. We ask Allaah to
keep us safe and sound. 

If the father’s negligence is compounded by his having
forbidden his family to do good things or things that are obligatory, then
his sin will be even greater. Allaah has told us that this is the
characteristic of the hypocrites and evildoers, who enjoin evil and forbid
good. He says (interpretation of the meaning): 
“The hypocrites, men and
women, are one from another; they enjoin (on the people) Al-Munkar (i.e.
disbelief and polytheism of all kinds and all that Islam has forbidden), and
forbid (people) from Al-Ma‘roof (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam
orders one to do), and they close their hands [from giving (spending in
Allaah’s Cause) alms]. They have forgotten Allaah, so He has forgotten them.
Verily, the hypocrites are the Faasiqoon (rebellious, disobedient to
Allaah)”

[al-Tawbah 9:67]

You have to be patient and seek reward, and continue to
advise your father. Seek the help of righteous people among your family and
relatives in doing so, and pray for him to be guided aright. 

You should beware of staying outside the home when there is
no need, because of the harm and fitnah (temptation) that may result from
that. If you need to go out, or are forced to do so, then you should observe
correct shar’i hijaab. In question no.
6991 you can
find out the conditions of correct shar’i hijaab. 

We ask Allaah to protect You and to guide your father to the
right way. 

And Allaah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.
Letting the beard grow is obligatory according to sharee’ah,
and shaving it is haraam. In the answer to question no.
1189 we have stated the ruling on
shaving the beard, and that shaving it is a haraam action. 

Ibn Hazm (may Allaah have mercy on him) narrated that the
scholars are unanimously agreed that it is not permissible to shave the
beard. 

Al-Muhalla, 2/189 
With regard to shaving
it for fear of persecution or exposure to harm, this fear is not all of one
level.  In some cases it may be what is likely to happen, and in other cases
it may be imaginary, and in yet others it may be six of one and half a dozen
of the other.  

It is not permissible for him to shave his beard or trim it
except in cases where harm is likely to result, and it is not permissible in
any other situation. 

This comes under the heading of cases of necessity. Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“But if one is forced by necessity without willful
disobedience nor transgressing due limits, then there is no sin on him.
Truly, Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful”

[al-Baqarah 2:173]

Or in cases of compulsion. Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning): 

“Whoever disbelieved in Allaah after his belief, except
him who is forced thereto and whose heart is at rest with Faith; but such as
open their breasts to disbelief, on them is wrath from Allaah, and theirs
will be a great torment”

[al-Nahl 16:106]

Force or compulsion means that he will be harmed if he does
not shave it. As for simply experiencing some annoyance or questions or
investigation, these are things from which those who do shave their beards
are not necessarily safe, so that does not mean that a person is permitted
to fall into sin. 

In cases of compulsion, there are conditions which must be
met in order for it to be permissible for a Muslim to be granted the
concession of doing or saying something that is haraam. Understanding what
these conditions are is very important, because many people are claiming
that they are forced to do things when that is not the case. 

Ibn Qudaamah said: 

The conditions of compulsion include three things: 

1 – That the one who is trying to force you has power to
cause harm

2 – That he thinks it most likely that the threat will be
carried out if he does not do what is being demanded of him

3 – That the harm be severe, such as being killed, beaten
severely, tied up or imprisoned for a lengthy period. As for being insulted
or cursed, this is not compulsion, and neither is taking a small amount of
wealth. 

If the person is of low status, a little harm may not be
compulsion in his case, unlike those of high position for whom a little harm
may be a humiliation and it is like a severe beating for someone else who is
of lower status.
If there is a threat of
torturing his child, this is not compulsion, because the harm is being
directed at someone else. But it is more likely that this is compulsion,
because that is worse for him than taking his wealth; that threat (to take
his wealth) is compulsion, so the same applies here. 

Al-Mughni, 7/292 

If the harm can be warded off by trimming the beard, then he
should not shave it off, rather it is sufficient to trim it, because shaving
is worse than trimming. It should be noted that a person should have the
need to undertake this journey to that country. But if there is no need for
that then it is not permissible to shave his beard for the sake of
travelling, because he is not being forced to do that. 

And Allaah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.
Our sister, may Allaah grant you relief from your distress,
make things easier for you, and guide you to that which is good. 

One of the decrees of Allaah is that He tests His slaves in
this world to see if they are patient and content (with His decree). 

“Great rewards come from great tests. When Allaah loves
people, He tests them, and whoever accepts that earns Allaah’s pleasure, and
whoever is angry with that earns Allaah’s wrath.” 

(Hadeeth narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2396; classed as hasan by
al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 146). 

So be patient and seek reward. 

With regard to what you mention about your husband, it is
regrettable. He has committed three haraam actions: 

1 – Not spending on you and your children. The husband is
commanded to spend on his wife and children. If he fails to do that then the
wife has the right to refer the matter to the court, and she may also ask
for divorce. 

2 – His neglecting to look after his household and children
is a sin on him, even if he claims that this is for the sake of da’wah,
because his soul has a right over him, and his wife has a right over him,
and his Lord has a right over him. He must give each of them his right. The
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) regarded neglect of
those who are under one’s care as a sin, and he (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: “It is sufficient sin for a man to neglect those
whom he supports.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 1692; classed as hasan by
al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood, 1484. 

Raising children and looking after them and the house is a
trust that rests on the father’s shoulders. The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Each of you is a shepherd
and each of you is responsible for his flock… the man is the shepherd of his
household and is responsible for his flock.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 893;
Muslim, 1829. 

Please see also questions no.
20064 and
45359. 

3 – Taking drugs is a haraam action, and indeed is a major
sin. It corrupts a person’s religious commitment and his worldly interests,
as well as damaging the body and mind, wasting money, and destroying honour.
It includes all kinds of evil. 

So beware of opening the door to it and falling in its trap. 

How many households has it destroyed, how many people has it
killed, how many blessings has it ruined, how much calamity has it brought
about! 

When people fall into the trap of drugs, hardly any are saved
therefrom, except those upon whom Allaah bestows His mercy and guidance. 

With regard to your desire for divorce, if your husband is
sincere in his repentance and truly regrets what he has done, and is
determined to reform himself, and if you still want him, then be patient and
seek reward for staying with him. Perhaps Allaah will reform him, especially
if he has asked you to stay with him and to wait for him. The fact that you
have children together may also make you think more carefully before you ask
for a divorce, because it is better for children to be raised with both
their father and their mother than for them to be raised by one parent
only. 

If the man is sincere in his repentance and his regret (of
the past), then it is better for you to be patient and to wait until he
comes out of prison, because that is in his interests and in the interests
of your children, and also in your own interests. 

But if you cannot bear to be patient and to stay without a
husband for this length of time (one year), or if the man is not sincere in
his repentance, there is no sin on you in that case if you seek a divorce,
and there is nothing good in your staying with him when he is persisting in
that sin. 

You have to make a great deal of du’aa’ to Allaah, and seek
His guidance by praying istikhaarah before you take any step. For
information on how to pray istikhaarah, please see questions no.
11981 and
2217.  

May Allaah set your affairs straight and guide you both to
the Straight Path. 

And Allaah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.
Firstly:

 We praise Allaah for having guided you to Islam and we ask
Him to increase you in guidance, faith and steadfastness. 

Secondly: 

Menstruation is something that Allaah has decreed for women.
It is well known that the menstruating woman may feel stressed and irritable
during her menses, but she has to fear Allaah and try hard to be patient;
she has to restrain her tongue and avoid things that Allaah has forbidden
such as swearing, insulting others, and so on. She must strive to control
herself with regard to that (jihad al-nafs), and she will find a change and
improvement, in sha Allaah. 

Thirdly: 

The husband should pay attention to his wife’s feelings and
be sympathetic if she is suffering with anything. He should overlook her
mistakes and try to comfort her, and be patient in doing so. He should not
hasten to punish her or leave her, for married life is not based on
separation, rather it is based on stability and continuity. Life is not free
of disturbances, and the couple will succeed to the extent that they are
able to overcome troubles and create happiness and affection between one
another. 

Fourthly:

 The husband has no right to harm his wife physically; it is
not permissible for him to hit her except in the case where other means of
correction have  failed, such as warning her and forsaking her in her bed.
If hitting becomes permissible, then it should not be done with the
intention of causing harm, rather the intention should be to rebuke and
discipline. Hence it is stipulated that it should not be a blow that leaves
a mark or causes pain. But hitting should not be resorted to except in
extreme cases. 

End quote from Fataawa ‘Ushrat al-Nisa’, p. 151, by
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him). 

Fifthly: 

The husband should help his family to obey Allaah and make it
easy for them to acquire beneficial knowledge, by bringing home books and
tapes, or taking them to Islamic centres so that they can learn how to read
Qur’aan and about Islam. If your husband falls short in this regard, you can
acquire many tapes through the Internet or by contacting some Islamic
centres that are close to you. 

Sixthly: 

Anger, swearing and feelings overwhelmed with what you have
to do may be dealt with in several ways: 

1 – Seeking refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan
when feeling angry. Al-Bukhaari (3282) and Muslim (2610) narrated that
Sulaymaan ibn Surad said: I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) and two men were trading insults, One of
them was red in the face and his veins were standing out. The Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I know a word which, if
he said it, what he is feeling would go away. If he said, ‘I seek refuge
with Allaah from the Shaytaan,’ what he is feeling would go away.” 

2 – Changing one’s posture when feeling angry. Abu Dawood
(4782) narrated that Abu Dharr (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The
Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to
us: “If one of you gets angry when he is standing, let him sit down; if his
anger disappears, all well and good, otherwise let him lie down.” Classed as
saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood. 

3 – Bring to mind the reward for patience, forbearance and
restraining your anger, for that is the characteristic of the pious who are
promised Paradise, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 
“And march forth in the
way (which leads to) forgiveness from your Lord, and for Paradise as wide as
the heavens and the earth, prepared for Al-Muttaqoon (the pious).

134. Those who spend (in Allaah’s Cause) in prosperity and
in adversity, who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily, Allaah loves
Al-Muhsinoon (the good‑doers)”

[Aal ‘Imraan 3:133-134]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: “Whoever restrains his anger when he is able to act upon it, Allaah
will fill his heart with pleasure on the Day of Resurrection.” Narrated by
Ibn Abi’l-Dunya; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb,
2623. 
4 – Remember that anger
and swearing will not avail you anything and will not relieve you of any
burden, rather you earn sin thereby, and they bring more worry and stress.
Help and ease only come by drawing close to Allaah, may He be exalted, and
by striving to obey Him. 

5 – You should organize your time and hasten to carry out any
tasks you have to do, so that they will not pile up and make you feel
overwhelmed. 

6 – You should avail yourself of the beneficial treatment
that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught to
his daughter Faatimah (may Allaah be pleased with her), when she complained
that she had too much work and it was burdensome, and she needed a servant.
Al-Bukhaari (6318) and Muslim (2728) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah
be pleased with him) that Faatimah (may Allaah be pleased with her) came to
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and asked him
for a servant, complaining about her work. He said to her: “Shall I not tell
you of something that is better for you than a servant? Say Subhaan-Allaah
(Glory be to Allaah) thirty-three times, al-hamdu-Lillaah (praise be
to Allaah) thirty-three times, and Allaahu akbar (Allaah is Most
Great) thirty-four times when you go to bed.” Some of the scholars have
explained this hadeeth by noting that the one who regularly remembers Allaah
will be given strength that is greater than the strength used by a servant,
or things will become easy for him and he will no longer need a servant. 

End quote from Fath al-Baari. 

We ask Allaah to grant you help, steadfastness and success. 

And Allaah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.There is much that could be said about female
servants and the bad consequences of bringing them from abroad and letting stay in Muslim homes. Hence the Muslim should not resort to bringing
servants to live in the home, especially if there are adolescent boys in the house. If the servants are not Muslim, then it is even more definite
that they should not be brought into the home. The regrettable consequences of such actions are greater than can be enumerated. 
The one who brings in a servant also commits
other haraam actions, such as bringing her from her country without a mahram; causing her to be alone with non-mahram men in rooms and houses; and
looking at her and vice versa. 
Hence our scholars have warned against
employing servants except in cases of necessity. 
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih ibn ‘Uthaymeen
said: 
Firstly: 
We should not employ female or male servants
except in cases of necessity. That is because bringing these servants involves spending money that a person does not need to spend. It was proven
that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade wasting money. 
Secondly: 
Some of them are not honest enough to deserve
the trust we place in them, hence I say that we should not bring male or female servants from abroad unless the following conditions are met: 
With regard to women: 
Firstly: 
The female servant should have a mahram with
her, because it is not permissible to bring her to the country otherwise. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “No
woman should travel without a mahram.” If a woman is brought in and has no mahram with her, this is going against the prohibition of the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). 
Secondly: 
There should be a need for her services. If
there is no need and the only reason for bringing her here is to live a life of luxury and have no obligations, or to make life easy for his wife
even though the housework is not much, then the issue is subject to further discussion. 
The third condition: 
There should be no fear of fitnah
(temptation). If a man fears that he or one of his sons – if he has sons – may be subject to temptation, then it is not permissible for him to
expose himself to that. 
The fourth condition: 
She should adhere to what is required of her
of hijab, so she should cover her face and not uncover it. It is not correct to quote as evidence the verse (interpretation of the meaning): 
“And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and
protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts) and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent (like both eyes for
necessity to see the way, or outer palms of hands or one eye or dress like veil, gloves, headcover, apron), and to draw their veils all over
Juyoobihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their
husband’s fathers, or their sons, or their husband’s sons, or their brothers or their brother’s sons, or their sister’s sons, or their (Muslim)
women (i.e. their sisters in Islam), or the (female) slaves whom their right hands possess”
[al-Noor 24:31] 
and it is not correct to interpret that as
meaning that it is permissible for a female servant to uncover her face in front of her male employer, because the one who hires a servant does
not own her (as in the case of a slave); rather she is a hired worker employed by him, and a hired worker is like any other non-mahram female when
it comes to hijab. 
The fifth condition: 
He should not be alone with her. If there is
no one else in the house with him, it is not permissible for him to employ her at all. If there are other people in the house with him but the
household members go out from the house and leave him alone with this servant, that is not permissible, because the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No man should be alone with a woman unless her mahram is present.” 
As’ilat al-Baab al-Maftooh,
no. 619 
He also said: 
Bringing a female servant from her country without a mahram is haraam, because the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman should travel alone without a mahram.” But if she is already in the country and
he brings her to work as a servant in his house, if she is going to come to the house, do what is needed then go back to her own house, there is
no doubt that this is permissible, but if she is going to stay in his house, this is a dangerous matter, especially if he has adolescent sons, for
then there is the fear of immorality as has happened on some occasions. But if he does not have adolescent sons, then we hope – in sha Allaah –
that there is nothing wrong with that, but it is better to avoid that and for her to stay elsewhere and come to do her work in the morning or
afternoon and then go back. 
As’ilat al-Baab al-Maftooh,
no. 526. 
In conclusion: because of the shar’i
restrictions that we have noted above, and because there is no need in your case – since the parents do not want to bring a servant – then we do
not advise the brother to bring a servant. 
And Allaah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.
We ask Allaah to bless you with tranquility and peace of
mind, and to take away the stress and worry that you are experiencing, and
to grant you the means of goodness and success.

 We do not think that what you have mentioned of tiredness
and pain is experienced by everyone who goes through what you have gone
through. But at the least there is a measure of stress that a woman goes
through when she loses her husband and has to start dealing directly with
the burdens of life.  Moreover, women vary in their ability to put up with
things and try to overcome them. There are many divorced woman who have been
able to overcome these problems, and live happy and contented lives. This
depends on certain reasons which may be the solution in your case, in sha
Allah. There follow some of them, for you to ponder and try to put into
practice, so that you can regain the happiness that you have lost. 

1 – Developing a strong relationship with Allaah. That
includes believing that this problem and others happen by the will and
decree of Allaah and that Allaah is more compassionate and merciful towards
you than a mother towards her child, and that His decree is good for His
slave, both in the short and long term. Calamities expiate sin, bearing them
with patience raises one in status, and when Allaah loves His slave He tests
him. 
2 – You have two choices:
either you can live feeling miserable, worried and anxious, or you can bear
it with patience and seek reward, in the hope of attaining reward and rising
in status. Your sorrow will neither advance you nor put you back, as the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The greatest
reward comes with the greatest trial. When Allaah loves a people He tests
them. Whoever accepts that wins His pleasure but whoever is discontent with
that earns His wrath.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2396; Ibn Maajah, 4031;
classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. 
3 – Pondering the
blessings of Allaah, and striving to show gratitude for them, and comparing
these many blessings with the calamity that befell you. This opens the heart
to contentment. So think of how many blessings Allaah has bestowed upon you,
in your religion, your self, your health, your wealth and your children.
Think of the calamities that have befallen others. How many women are
paralyzed, how many suffer calamities that befall their children, or are
tested in their religious commitment, or suffer sickness, and so on. If you
think about this you will find that you are enjoying blessings for which you
are to be envied. You will realize that there are people who are suffering
greater calamities than you. This should make things easier for you and make
you give praise and thanks, and acknowledge the bounty and mercy of Allaah. 

4 – Thinking about the calamity that has befallen you, and
seeing the blessings that may be hidden therein. How many married women
suffer from harsh treatment and abuse from their husbands and live a
miserable life with them. You have been spared all that, so give praise to
Allaah. 

5 – Filling your time with things that will bring benefit in
this world and in the Hereafter. For example, you could join a centre that
teaches memorization of the Holy Qur’aan, attend religious lectures, read
useful books, learn useful domestic skills such as sewing, and so on. 

6 – Paying attention to the ultimate goal, which is to earn
the pleasure of Allaah and attain His Paradise and be saved from the Fire.
This requires buckling down to hard work and serious effort. That is the
basis of true success and true happiness in life. Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning): 

“And whoever is removed away from the Fire and admitted to
Paradise, he indeed is successful. The life of this world is only the
enjoyment of deception (a deceiving thing)”

[Aal ‘Imraan 3:185]
7 – Having certain faith
that what is with Allaah is better for you; that He is the Most Merciful of
those who show mercy; that He is with the pious (those who fear Him) and
loves those who do good; He rewards those who are patient and helps the
believers, as He says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“Whoever works righteousness — whether male or female —
while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him
We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful
provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the
best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”

[al-Nahl 16:97]
Beware of complaining
about Him to His creation, because you are complaining about the One who has
mercy to one who has no mercy. The Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever is struck by poverty and he goes around
telling people about it (and complaining about it in the hope of receiving
help), then his calamity will not be relieved. Whoever is struck by poverty
and he complains to Allaah about it, Allaah will grant him relief sooner or
later.” 

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2326; Abu Dawood, 1645; classed as
saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. 

8 – Frequently recite this du’aa’ which was narrated from the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): 

It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood (may Allaah be
pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: “If a person who is afflicted by anxiety or sorrow
says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka wa ibnu ‘abdika wa ibn ammatika naasiyati
bi yadika maadin fiyya hukmuka ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka as’aluka bi kulli
ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw
anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw asta’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘indaka an
taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’a qalbi wa noora sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba
hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female
slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed
and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You
with which You have named Yourself, or, or You have taught to any of Your
creation, or You have revealed in Your Book, or You have preserved in the
knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my
heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a
release for my anxiety)’, then Allaah will take away his anxiety and sorrow,
and will replace it with joy.”  

It was said: “O Messenger of Allaah, should we not learn it?”
He said: “Yes, whoever hears it should learn it.” 

Narrated by Ahmad; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in
al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 199 

We ask Allaah to relieve you of your anxiety and replace it
with joy. 
And Allaah knows
best.

Praise be to Allah.If your husband is wise and religiously committed, and he trusts you a great deal, then what he should do is to believe you when you say that you are innocent of any wrongdoing, especially since the breaking of the hymen may be caused by many things, not necessarily by committing the sin of fornication. 
This is if we accept what you have discovered about your not being a virgin. It may be that intercourse has taken place between you but the hymen was not broken, and so there was no bleeding, because of the nature of the hymen. It may be that the hymen is flexible and cannot be broken by intercourse, and requires medical intervention, as is well known to the experts in this field. 
The hymen is simply a physical sign which cannot be considered proof of whether the woman is a virgin or not or whether she has committed an immoral act or not. Hence we find that in court, usually the absence of the hymen is not regarded as grounds for making accusations against the woman, because it may be broken for many reasons. 
So the fact that the hymen is present is not a positive indication that a woman is a virgin, and its absence is not a positive sign of the opposite. 
We advise you to refer to a female doctor to make the matter clear, because there may be many reasons why the hymen is broken. 
We hope that your husband will understand this matter and will not be hasty in judging you. You should be aware that one of the aims of the Shaytaan is to cause division between husbands and wives, because of the great evil that results from that affecting families and individuals, as we see in the hadeeth of Jaabir who said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Iblees placed his throne on water then he sends out his emissaries, and the closest of them to him in status is the one who causes the most fitnah (tribulation). One of them comes and says, ‘I did such and such,’ and he says, ‘You have not done much.’ Then another of them comes and says, ‘I did not leave him alone until I caused division between him and his wife,’ and he draws him close to him and says, ‘How good you are.’” Muslim, 5023. 
So he should close this door to the Shaytaan and avoid thinking about this matter, so long as this matter is not definitive and you are certain that nothing bad happened.  
We ask Allaah to guide him and to reconcile between you. 
And Allaah is the Source of strength.

Praise be to Allah.
Firstly: 

You have to repent and seek forgiveness, and regret what you
have done by getting in touch with men who are not your mahrams, and
speaking to them and going out with them. 

You must also cut off all ties with this second man
immediately, with no hesitation, because the relationship between you is
haraam.  

How can you accept to be the cause of his divorcing his wife?
If you were in her position, would you accept for your husband to divorce
you in order to marry another woman who has come between you to spoil your
lives? 

Secondly: 

We do not know how a wise man could agree to marry a woman
when he knows that she has had a haraam relationship with a man before him
and she has not repented from that relationship. 

Whatever happened to chastity and protective jealousy? Does
he not fear that this man may come back into her life again? 

To put it bluntly, either this woman has repented or she has
not. If she has repented from those relationships then there can never be
any contact or relationship between them except in marriage. In this case
there is nothing wrong with marrying her, but he should obey his mother, and
not divorce his first wife. 

If she has not repented from these actions, then it is not
unlikely that she may form a relationship with a third man and a fourth. 

Similarly, in your case, how can you agree to marry a man who
is content to form haraam relationships, speaking and meeting with women? If
he has repented, then there can never be any meetings between you, and if he
has not repented, then a man like that cannot be trusted. His aim may be
just to have fun with you, and even if he is sincere in wanting to marry
you, there is nothing that would stop him from forming haraam relationships
with other women. 

Hence you have to cut off all ties without hesitating, and
pray for forgiveness from Allaah for wasting your life in haraam pursuits.
Turn to Allaah and ask Him to purify your heart and to remove all traces of
those haraam relationships which have corrupted your heart and mind, let
alone detracted from your religious commitment. 

If you are sincere in repenting there is the hope that Allaah
will bless you with someone better than him, and will make it easy for you
to get married to a chaste and righteous man who will treat you in a decent
manner and help you to attain the pleasure of your Lord, and you and he will
form a believing family and produce good and righteous offspring. 

Do not pay any attention to your heart and emotions, for in
this case emotion has overpowered reason and religious commitment, and has
harmed your spiritual and worldly interests. Your heart now is sick so you
should not let it lead you to Hell. 

Seek the help of Allaah, for He will not let down the one who
seeks His help, and the one who humbles himself before his Lord will never
lose out. Do a lot of righteous deeds, and seek righteous, believing female
friends who can help you to deal with your worries and help you to obey your
Lord. 

And Allaah is the Source of strength.

Praise be to Allah.
Offering sincere advice to the slaves of Allaah is one of
the most important branches of faith and symbols of Islam, to such an
extent that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
described it as being the religion itself, as an indication of its great
importance. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: “Religion is sincerity (or sincere advice – naseehah).”
(Narrated by Muslim, 55). And Allaah tells us that whoever does this, that
is true success. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“Let there arise out
of you a group of people inviting to all that is good (Islam), enjoining
Al-Ma‘roof (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do) and
forbidding Al-Munkar (polytheism and disbelief and all that Islam has
forbidden). And it is they who are the successful”

[Aal ‘Imraan 3:104]

So long as you fulfilled your duty of offering sincere
advice, and your intention was good, then do not feel sad about the problems
that have befallen you (which is a test), for Paradise is the reward of
Allaah, and the reward of Allaah is precious and is surrounded with
hardships, and everything has a price. 

Remember that everyone who does this great duty will
inevitably meet with harm from people, or opposition. Hence Luqmaan the Wise
said to his son: 
“O my son! Aqim‑is‑Salaah
(perform As‑Salaah), enjoin (on people) Al‑Ma‘roof  (Islamic Monotheism and
all that is good), and forbid (people) from Al‑Munkar (i.e. disbelief in the
Oneness of Allaah, polytheism of all kinds and all that is evil and bad),
and bear with patience whatever befalls you. Verily, these are some of the
important commandments (ordered by Allaah with no exemption)”

[Luqmaan 31:17]

Remember that the good end is for the pious (those who fear
Allaah), and Allaah will not cause the reward of those who do good to be
lost, and He is with those who are patient. So turn to Him and seek His
protection, and say Allaah (Alone) is Sufficient for me, and He is the Best
Disposer of affairs (for me). Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“Those (i.e. believers) unto whom the people (hypocrites)
said, ‘Verily, the people (pagans) have gathered against you (a great army),
therefore, fear them.’ But it (only) increased them in Faith, and they said:
‘Allaah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs
(for us).’

174. So they returned with grace and bounty from Allaah.
No harm touched them; and they followed the good Pleasure of Allaah. And
Allaah is the Owner of great bounty”

[Aal ‘Imraan 3:174-175]

No matter how much they plot against you, their plot will
backfire on them. 

“But the evil plot encompasses only him who makes it”

[Faatir 35:43]
So receive the glad
tidings of the help and support of Allaah, make a lot of du’aa’ and pray for
forgiveness. Remember that the prayer of the one who has been wronged or
oppressed is not rejected, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: “There are three whose prayers will undoubtedly be
answered: the prayer of a father, the prayer of a traveller, and the prayer
of one who has been wronged.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 1536; al-Tirmidhi,
1905; Ibn Maajah, 3862; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi
Dawood. 
But we advise you to
leave this job and relieve yourself of that in which there is evil and harm,
and to move to another place; may Allaah give you someone better than them
and give you a trustworthy and kind boss. 
If you cannot move from
this place, then try to take a leave of absence for a while until things
calm down; Allaah may cause things to change. 
If you can do without
this job altogether, and save yourself from all this trouble and heartache
and devote your efforts to taking care of your house and children, then this
is best, and Allaah will reward you for that with His blessings and
compensate you with something better.  
We ask Allaah to relieve
your distress and take away your sorrow, and to protect you against the evil
of every evil person. 
And Allaah knows best.

Praise be to Allah.It is emphatically forbidden to have intercourse with one’s wife in her back passage, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has intercourse with a menstruating woman or with a woman in her back passage, or goes to a fortuneteller and believes what he says, has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 135; Ibn Maajah, 639; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. 
And he said: “Cursed is the one who has intercourse with a woman in her back passage.” Narrated by Ahmad, 9731; Abu Dawood, 2162; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood. See also question no. 1103. 
With regard to your avoiding marriage because of these fears, this is dealing with one mistake by making another. Ignore this waswaas (whisper from the Shaytaan) and keep busy with things that will benefit you in both spiritual and worldly ways. Ask Allaah to purify your heart and protect your chastity; hasten to get married for that is the best remedy for you. Beware of the wrath and anger of Allaah and of His painful punishment, and do not be one of those who are heedless. 
Remember Allaah a great deal and do lots of acts of worship, lower your gaze and avoid looking at haraam things, and avoid committing sinful actions, so that these evil devilish thoughts will leave you. 
With regard to coming to your wife from behind but over her clothes, you should avoid doing that. Do not be like a shepherd who grazes his flocks around a sanctuary and soon transgresses its boundary, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 25; Muslim, 1599). 
Ibn Rajab (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: 
Allaah has guarded these haraam things and forbidden His slaves to approach them, and he calls them His limits. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 
“These are the limits (set) by Allaah, so approach them not. Thus does Allaah make clear His Ayaat (proofs, evidences, lessons, signs, revelations, verses, laws, legal and illegal things, Allaah’s set limits, orders, etc.) to mankind that they may become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious)”
[al-Baqarah 2:187]
Thus it is clear that Allaah has defined for them what is permissible for them and what is forbidden to them, so that they will not approach what is forbidden and they will not go beyond what is permitted. Hence Allaah says in another verse (interpretation of the meaning): 
“These are the limits ordained by Allaah, so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits ordained by Allaah, then such are the Zaalimoon (wrongdoers)”
[al-Baqarah 2:229]
The one who grazes around a sanctuary and close to it will soon enter it. The same applies to one who goes beyond what is permitted and falls into doubtful areas. He approaches something haraam with the intention of merely coming close, but soon he will commit forbidden actions blatantly. This indicates that we must keep away from haraam things, and erect barriers between us and them. 
Jaami’ al-‘Uloom wa’l-Hukam, 1/208 
May Allaah protect us and you from all evils, and make us and you content with that which He has permitted. May He give us enough of what is permissible that we have no need of that which He has forbidden. 
And Allaah knows best.